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| 01:43am 10/12/2009 |
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sometimes i go a little crazy. each time is a learning experience. |
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sell me beautiful |
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| manitobis and the minge |
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| 03:13pm 18/11/2009 |
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mood:  happy music: frankie lymon
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hes a quick one........
yea boredom it happens
but not of each other
wed live under the covers
if we could
but instead were
being in a bog. |
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sell me beautiful |
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| she needs to pursue her own desires |
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| 04:38am 17/11/2009 |
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IN DEBT FOR MY BIRTH.
well if i follow a dionysion path of thought, i ought to be thankful for my existence
but i must remember that pleasure seeking is my own choice and a conscience one,
not just the power of my id. Or maybe i am my ID! If so thats me amd what i have to work with and there is no reason to feel shame or even compare myself to others.
Isolation
Addictions do not exist for me, my mind my will and power of choice are too strong
Either way credit to my intellectual state of mind cannot be pushed to forces or persons outside of myself
i am responsible for myself, and if i want to acheive a greatness of my own standard
i must trust my self and this personal standard and no one elses judgement on the matter.
parents... i do not owe them anything. But my desire for their friendship still remains, ive always been this idealist about my relationships with them since as early as I can remember. They fail to see my sympathy towards them, when there has been none from them towards me , as it is they created me and nobody wants to admit to flaws or maladjustment in anything we created, and leastly at their own responsibility. But the difference is my free will, i will do what I want and I want and need to choose to do something personally gratifying, most importantly however it has to be what I want to do.
im sick of this not knowing what Im doing. Although I am choosing not to follow the social norm of pursuing education at the institute, at which my experience has been a draining of individuality, i am on a quest for knowledge most of which is intended for employment to better my physical or mental state of being via daily practices etc..
I know I am doing that. But how will I make money?
everyone is so worried about that big question. I find this questions inference that i need money to be happy to be very insulting. If i want to acheive the things that society constitutes its ideals of happiness in, which most of the acheivers still suffer from greif anxiety and misery perhaps from a lack of a true and inner self gratification, In this case I will need lots of money. Even if I had all that $ i would have a hard time doing the things society says this $ is needed for weddings cars houses tv's and kids.
then the next question is how much I care about my physical state of being now, and how WILL that change in the future, and how much of my life and enterprise is worth sacrificing to bring another life in to this world
this determination hinges on my concern for the paradox of the amount of joy and gratification that will actually be the redeeming factor of parenthood, if it actually redeems itself or is actually a black hole of stress and grief. I suppose thats all in the attitude you choose to take and what aspects of life you can pleasurably appreciate.
I want to know what was happening with my parents minds when I was a kid. Romantic issues and emotions invaded my minds playground before i could understand what they were all about. They were fucking crazy for and from being together and are both still internally torn apart with dissapointment and a feeling of failure, as pathetically admitted by my dad.
i vow to put my emotional needs behind those of my children if i ever have them, and to never direct my personal grief at them in any way verbally or physical. i know this would be a very difficult vow to keep in etire theory but i think this manifestation is something i need to establish in myself because of the very opposite environment i grew into.
Nobody is anybody elses punching bag, or tool for that matter.
SCIENCE HEALTH, EXCERCISE, SENSORY EXPERIENCE PSYCHOLOGY
ANIMALS FOOD AND NUTRITION PERCEPTIONS BRAINS
BALANCE
PHILOSOPHY, PURPOSE, FREEDOM
FAITH IDENTITY INDIVIDUALITY DESTINY
music art
i entertain myself with the idea that ill be extremely lonely day to releive the guilt i feel for continually seeking companionship |
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sell me beautiful |
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| 03:48pm 07/11/2009 |
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sketch of a dilemma
me
misery
men
mom
money
answer....
mexico!!! |
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sell me beautiful |
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| philosophize this motherfuckers |
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| 03:13pm 05/11/2009 |
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here i am again to tell you all how sad I feel.
i wish i wish i wish
i had the power to stop wishing
and get on with today
i could go fishing
or go out and play
the only thing
thats stopping me
is just my minds mood
whining desperately
for tomorrow to be done
ive ended up in a race
i didnt want to run
if you wont let me walk
ill walk the other way
til someone wants to talk
that someone will be there
if im lucky, someday.
til then this course i roam
investigate and evaluate
concluding, for all my love
its too early and its too late. |
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sell me beautiful |
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| tears of a clown |
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| 09:34pm 22/08/2009 |
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mood:  worried
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im calming myself little bits at a time.
i really do know how to panic when its completely uncalled for.
its necessity could be as apparent as i suspect, but then why cant I tell?
i really need to know.
(separate) (spheres)
phew.
oh no!
its ok its ok.
shit what am I going to do.
ok maybe im not calm at all.
im getting a mild mind fuck.
i guess thats what we clowns get.
i need to get some constructive criticism on my life.
i dont care how bad it hurts, just tell me what is wrong with me.
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sell me beautiful |
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| evil figments |
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| 10:25am 19/08/2009 |
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i really do need to calm the fuck down. the thing is that ive gotten myself all worked up over these musings of my imagination when in reality nothing is wrong. except this town which so full of emptiness and heartache. i can escape all the memories of all the bad times that happened here. somehow??
this is a good thing.
i am going on a piano hunt. |
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sell me beautiful |
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| 01:32pm 18/07/2009 |
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the day i found out my body was made of cancer
ave maria |
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sell me beautiful |
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| arctic goo |
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| 09:47am 16/07/2009 |
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the freak flag is flying high.
i need to make some serious plans.
how to graduate in may
how to get to california
and everything in between.
then i can fly the flag at the tops of mountains for everyone to see.
but it doesnt matter to me if nobody sees it at all
as long as I get to stand that tall
work study, 2nd job for the summer,
gradumation
ditch the mini van
camping gear.
gasoline
apartments
jobs
doggie |
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sell me beautiful |
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| matterhorn |
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| 11:04am 15/07/2009 |
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i want to climb a real mountain. im tired of all these figuritive ones in the flat land of salisbury.
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sell me beautiful |
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| 07:56pm 11/07/2009 |
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i just cant bring myself to read the bible. the stories in sunday school as a kid were like myths. like a lot of the athiests i know, it was forced upon me back then. it was a pretty alienating situation that kelsey and i were in since we were the only kids whose parents dropped off at church and then left. i think it was nothing but hypocritical of them to wake our asses up early on the weekend make us put on nice clothes and drive our us there in their pajamas, and drive back home for two hours. whats a weirder thought that i never questioned as a kid is wondering what my parents did while we were at sunday school. that thought makes me want to vomit. I can hardly begin to explain how strange it was to those two parentless kids in the congregation. anyhow it wasnt fun and i decided back then that it was all baloney.
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1 sale ♥ sell me beautiful |
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| sdsu |
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| 01:26am 11/07/2009 |
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this has to remain a pivotal forward moving time for me even though im broke as a bitch and stuck in salisbury for at least another year. what can you do ? what i mean is, deep & excruciatingly painful moans.
so school, i think that ill succeed in a distant place (wink wink)
as dissapointed as i am in myself that i have fucked up the last three semesters of school sitting around doing NOTHING instead of my schoolwork i think a new set of surroundings would really help me keep the right attitude about my education instead of the loathing one I have developed in recent years.
a transfer, to where? for a biology degree...
vetinary pharmecuetical sales, a woman today told me you can make 80 a year
an interesting thought to look in to.
another way this moment needs to move forward is with my music. A PIANO!!
and write, i know I can write. I need to make myself do it.
i can do it, because i have stuff to write.
and with words too.
i hope i am really headed back towards balance. |
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sell me beautiful |
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| thinking san diego |
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| 09:38pm 27/05/2009 |
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Bob left in a snowstorm bob just got up one morning and left.
bob went to new york
"it was a dream of cosmopolitan riches of the mind. It was the greatest place for me to learn and to meet other people on similar journeys"
the venue lost money on his first concert
"I can offer songs tht tll something of this America, no foreign songs the songs of this la that arent offered over TV and radio and very few records,"
with nothing to write about., he typewrote songs about random interesting newspaper stories |
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sell me beautiful |
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| bewildering bill |
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| 12:35pm 23/05/2009 |
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mood: near as faded as my jeans music: joplin
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tr.v. be·wil·dered, be·wil·der·ing, be·wil·ders
- To confuse or befuddle, especially with numerous conflicting situations, objects, or statements. See Synonyms at puzzle.
- To cause to lose one's bearings; disorient: The twists and turns in the cave soon bewildered us.
be·wil'dered·ly adv., be·wil'dered·ness n., be·wil'der·ing·ly adv.
IVE REALLY got to get out of this place if its the last thing I ever do. Its not going to be the last though. Its already my number one priority. Its been awesome meeting bill. I have to choke this though.
Choke it choke it.
cut it off now.
cut it out cut it off
before I get too deep, before I go to sleep
The hardest thing is knowing that there will be others in my current spot
if I stay there will be trouble, and if I go it will be DOUBLE
This is a tough spot.
I just want to be in love
my duplicity gets me though because
I want to be angry at myself for going off and finding a man so so delicious and sweet
but Im really rather happy, a song has been put in my heart.
the part of me that wants to
put a heart in is song
is the angry part.
Ive just got to be grateful that I got this chance
this is my chance to change.
Ill never forget when I got this chance
or taking it.
just get me the fuck away from salisbury university.
itll be easy to forget soon.
love is like eating fruit
I want
No beginning, No ending.
Just all the soft juicy middle parts.
to indulge in the flesh
and throw away the skin and seeds
so he is a very special friend.
with hidden feelings involved.
kicking ourselves around on the ground
scrapes away exterior
and those feelings start to show.
distance wont foster fondness
just skew how we know one another
and it will fall into the massive
obscurity of the universe.
friendship and love are synonymous.
what happens with the above, Happens.
there is more to me than being in love though
and thats what im off to find.
ill probably just find
myself
in love again.
the cycles wil be the same.
theres going to be in between time though.
me alone. travelling.
I have 50 dollars today
going towards airfare. |
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1 sale ♥ sell me beautiful |
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| 12:01pm 22/05/2009 |
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mood: crushed music: van morrisson
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he told the truth
for my own good he said for me to move on
there is no one,
no how
no reason
to be together
???? |
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sell me beautiful |
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| 01:44am 19/04/2009 |
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Im a crime traveling TIME fighter
youv'e got me in between the devil and the deep blue sea!!!! |
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sell me beautiful |
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| poison orchids |
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| 03:10pm 18/04/2009 |
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mood:  drunk
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I want to go swimming. and make out in the water.
BEWILDERING.
Im about to go to the dock bar for the first time :)
Hoo-Rah! |
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sell me beautiful |
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| 02:49pm 16/04/2009 |
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i kept realizing lots of things but there was a particular theme to my evening that kept resurfacing and clarifying itself and what it means is that I can do anything i want to do at all and I already knew that, but its funny because acid is just like real life. |
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sell me beautiful |
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